Universal Unconditional Unstated and Unsanitary Disclaimer For What is Without a Doubt The World’s Best Retirement Gift… or birthday gift, holiday gift, or just cuz you love them gift.
This is a gag gift and there is no explicit or implied guarantee that any pine seeds, should they even exist in this package, will ever germinate or grow. Growing/assembly time, should your pine seeds actually germinate, is substantial, at least 30 years. Tools not included. Seek professional assistance for any “erection” that lasts more than four hours.
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. For recreational use only. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Times approximate. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Slippery when wet. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Your canceled check is your receipt. Sanitized for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No purchase necessary. Use only in a well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flames. Approved for veterans. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Not recommended for children. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. First pull up, and then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Your mileage may vary. This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Use of this article in a manner not in conformance with labeling may be a violation of Federal, State, or Local Laws, Statutes, or Regulations and may or may not subject the user to maximum enforcement under these laws, statutes, or regulations. Caveat emptor. Article is provided “as is” without any warranties. No shoes, no shirt, no service. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory — explicit lyrics — text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from pets and small children. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB’s, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). Please consult your physician if unforeseen side effects develop. Other restrictions may apply.
This supersedes all previous notices. No pine trees were harmed in the making of this product. Have a nice day.